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Monday, February 25, 2008

The Test

I should've update my blog a long long time ago.... But I couldn't take out any courage from my heart to tell... Because I'm scared, I'm afraid....

I think this will be the only ONCE that this will happen in my life, in fact, this incident will change all the paths in my life... I can't make any choices like before, like who I am last time... You know why?

Because I'm pregnant.... certified!!

For one and a half months, my period didn't come.... I was afraid, afraid to admit and face the truth, so I didn't do any pregnancy test until 15th of February, the day after Valentine's. I went to Watson with Bun, and bought the pregnancy tester... Immediately make the test after reach home...

If you're not pregnant, there'll be only one colour band, at the C side, if you're pregnant, there'll be two colour band, both at the C and the T side.... And after wait for few seconds, I saw there's colour band at the T side... and then slowly, C side's colour band appears too... I couldn't find any words to describe my feelings that time... I just couldn't.... I can't even tell the result to bun by mouth. I'm stunned by the result (Although I already make alot of mentality preparation to accept this...) and I just couldn't speak... But I didn't cry...

And then, me and Bun had a REAL long talk for this. I know, somehow, he doesn't want this little baby inside of me. And yes, that's a very rational kind of decision because firstly, I'm still under age, I haven't complete my study and I'm not from rich family. Second, Bun just graduate, haven't search for jobs yet since it's Chinese New Year period and yes, the main thing, he's not from rich family too. Apparently, we don't have any preparation to accept the birth of this little baby and we're kinda facing financial problem too... Maybe not now, maybe real soon after we spend all those chinese new year ang pow's money.

During the talk, whenever I think of taking out the baby out from me, I just couldn't stop myself from crying... I can't even dare to imagine that kind of image when the operation is going on and they're going to kill a small life that is innocent.... Yes, I'm guilty, I'm guilty to brought this little baby to this world and have him/her to face this kind of cruel decision...

I cried like so broken hearted, I don't want this to happen, I don't want to be guilty and regret my whole life because I've done such cruel thing to an innocent life that this life is 100% related to me... But after the long talk, the decision is made:
Go to the maternity clinic do a sound wave check 1st then only make the important decision whether to or not to do the abortion operation....

Somehow, this decision makes me feel a bit calm, at least... I can still hold on to this baby's life for few more days....

Monday, 18th of February, I went to this maternity clinic near my house, that time was around 8pm, I feel like giving up to go. I don't dare to face anyone... Especially the doctor and nurses and people whom I don't know and don't wish to know... But still, we're stuck in the middle of no decision... So, I have to go...

Firstly, I told the doctor I didn't had my period for one and a half months ( Due to my calculation it's suppose to be one and a half months, because the last time I had my period is Christmas Eve!) and I suspect that I'm pregnant... Without saying anything, the doctor told me to lie down at the bed over the corner and he's going to do the sound wave check for me... I was so nervous... And the moment I saw the monitor, the image, I just couldn't resist my tears from falling down.

The doctor say the baby is far more bigger than one month and a half, after check, the baby is 14 weeks and 3 days big, means 3 and a half months. The baby have well developed brain, fingers, spine all are there... Look more and more like human... I keep on crying when the doctor keep on describing... The doctor even open the sound system to let me hear the baby's heart beat... very fast... like a normal small baby...

After the check, I asked the doctor, how come I suffer from period when I was pregnant that time? (My last period was at Xmas eve right? The pregnancy date was at 15th of November!! Far more than what I expect...) Doctor said some woman will have their period even though they're pregnant, just the colour of the blood is slightly different from usual... I just keep on silence after listen to that, doctor decided to give me vitamins pills since this is my 1st check, and ask is there any questions... and Bun finally asked...

Is that impossible to do any abortion now since the baby is kinda big now? The doctor asked why wanna do abortion? You should've be careful if you're not ready to have a baby.... There's alot of safety method for intercourse use, condoms, pills... Should be more careful... Haihz... If you insist the operation, there's still possibilities... The cost is around RM1400, include the scanning fees just now... If you made decision, please come to the clinic early in the morning in the day or two... If you do not appear, we'll think that you wanna keep the baby...

When I come out from the consultation room... I just couldn't think of anything... I couldn't speak, couldn't face all those strangers, I just wanna go home......

After pay RM75 for the sound wave check fees, I just wanna go home... Even though I haven't have my lunch... Bun was scared, he saw me as I was locking myself up, try not to fall apart... Yes, I tried so hard to not to fall apart... In this whole world, who ever know I was enduring the biggest pain of my life... Cry is the only solution for me that time. I cried because I'm lost in my life, not knowing where am I standing and where am I heading... Things weren't so easy...

That night, I got no appetite, inside my mind, the baby's image keep on appearing... I can see his/her face so clearly, body and everything so well function... I was wondering, If what I see today is just a small balloon kind of thing which also means only one and a half month will the decision be more easy to made? I don't know, because we've already pass the time... and there's no turning back... Each and every second the baby is growing, what am I suppose to do? Kill him/her? Or kill mine and Bun's future?

Bun asked his friend to borrow him RM1000... Yes, I know somehow deep inside his heart there's a selfish decision been made, he don't want the baby... I understand why, but I couldn't accept it with an open heart... That will mean murder too right? Dillemma for a whole night... I wish to follow Bun's decision rationally, but my maternity instinct tells me it's a very wrong decision, very, very wrong decision that it will cost my whole life to pay... Because I kill...

Whole night listening to Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven, think of any solution that can be made without killing, no, no way out, what only I can do is just cry... Until 5am... It's time to sleep if wanna go to clinic, Bun say no need... No need go to clinic already.... Until then, only I dare to fall asleep...

The next day was a very low tone day... Both of us couldn't laugh, talk... Just can stare at the computer watching movies, but thoughts flying... This night, same as the night before, was a suffering night because need to make a very crucial decision.... Tomorrow morning, to go or not to go... But 1 something in the middle of the night, Bun say no need go already... Because his friend haven't bank in money for him... Bun say he only give himself 2 days to think and wait, no means no need do the operation already... My heart was calm after hear what he say... But look at him, so sad, so lost, I know, in the future, once this decision is made, there'll be no more comfortable road to walk, we have to hold our hands together and go through all the hardships and circumstances together...

After one week the decision is made, I'm still sitting here, typing this post... Haven't tell any other people yet... I even still keeping this secret from my parents... We're trying to find a good timing to tell... So have to be patient... But now, the baby inside me learned how to kick and move around already... I talk to the baby everyday, touch my tummy so the baby can feel that I'm touching him/her... The feeling is so amazing... Hope everything in the future can be more and more better for the 3 of us to cope through....

Saturday, February 16, 2008

My 1st Valentine's Day

SUCKS~

Dunno how to describe it, but feels terrible...

Got nothing for yesterday, erm, not even a greet of "Happy Valentine's Day"... Aiks...

Not that I'm materialistic or what la, I didn't hope to get what diamond necklace or a bouquet of flowers that costs you whole bank account's amount... But at least... a phrase that's sweet or something???

Hmm...

Here's a picture for you guys... It's a very nice picture, Press CTRL+A to see it!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Idea!?

Hmm... I was thinking what to prepare for this coming Valentine's Day... Last year I made alot of cookies... Some looks like shit also... But everyone is happy to see it... Don't know why... Haha...

This year maybe will prepare something easier... But still I wanna wish everyone whether you're single or in a relationship or married or divorced...

Happy Valentine's Day

May all the happiness with you~

P.s: Yeah~! My bf is coming KL tomorrow... Get to see him already~

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Happy Chinese New Year!!

Happy Chinese New Year to all of you whether you're Chinese or non Chinese, single, married, rich, poor, tall, short, fat, slim and bla bla bla.... As long as you see this post...
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR TO YOU!!!

P.s: I cut the red paper myself to decorate all the fruits to pray... haha!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

深夜上网的女人想干什么?

深夜上网的女人,除了因为是工作必须,除了纯粹因为好玩,都或多或少有着自己的心事。尤其是经常深夜上网的女人,一定有着深深浅浅的不能轻易与人道的寂寞。这样的女人,不一定非常漂亮,也许只有几分可以让自己自信的姿色,但是一定有着丰富的情感,温柔而细腻。在现实生活中,她们或许都会有着或大或小的成就,是同龄人中的佼佼者,是别人眼中的能人。在工作中,她们可以独挡一面;在朋友面前,她们善解人意、尽力替朋友排忧解难。她们是生活中看起来的强者。在太阳底下,她们是赏心悦目的女人。  

只有在夜深人静的时候,她们才会疲惫地除去坚强的伪装,审视镜子中那个憔悴的容颜,对着网络对着键盘对着一个个陌生的名字倾吐自己的心事,释放自己的脆弱。  

她们也有着如水的柔情,只是无人轻易能解。她们也有着许许多多脆弱的泪水,只是别人很少看见。她们的爱执着而热烈,只是无人知道。  

你很难完全地走进她们的心里面完整地拥有她们。她们是成熟的女人。她们对生活有自己的见解,她们有自己处世的原则、有自己的人生观。  

但是她们一旦向你打开心扉,你就会惊奇地发现在那么坚强的外表下藏着的竟然是那么一颗伤痕累累的心,你会情不自禁地想要付出你的关爱给她温暖,你会不由自主地想呵护她疼她宠她。你会在她生病的时候想陪着她,在她没有力气的时候想牵着她,但是你又是那么害怕,害怕不小心伤害了她。  

于是你小心翼翼地保持着让她们觉得安全的距离。给她快乐,听她哭泣,让她的灵魂不在孤独地漂浮在寂寞的深夜。  

深夜上网的女人是寂寞的女人,是有很多故事的女人。但是她们不会选择去酒吧买醉,不会让袅袅的香烟麻醉了自己,不肯让自己在灯红酒绿的世界里迷失。她们不需要虚伪的怜悯需要真诚的友情。于是,她们选择了逃避,把满腔心事都深埋进文字,然后微笑着继续坚强的人生......

Monday, February 4, 2008

Mizi Shabu Shabu

I dunno since November or December of 2007, Kok Bun been always dreaming to eat this delicious shabu shabu. He saw the post in the forum and the HoChiak at Tv8 also introduce this shop....

And yesterday, one day before he went back to Ipoh, and main reason is the car got petrol, we went all the way from Setapak to Puchong to search for this shabu shabu shop. (We don't know the exact location of the shop, just now it's near to the Giant at Bandar Puteri Puchong area...)

First, I took the wrong way... I turn to Jln Ampang from Jelatek. Yes, it's a very stupid move cos I was trying to go to Puchong by going through Bukit Jalil.... And I fail, cos I figure it out there's another alternative road, which is from the Bulatan Pandan, took the new KL-Putrajaya highway and reach Bukit Jalil at the middle of the highway....

And damn, Kok Bun say: Why don't we took the Sg Besi road, reach to the Old Klang road and then Puchong is just beside the Old Klang Road.... Ok, I agreed with him and turn up to the Sg Besi direction, goes with the flow and FXXK!!!! I miss the junction that turns into Old Klang Road!!!

It's raining, I'm stucked in the traffic that goes slow.... And gotta make a stupid U-Turn at the Desa Petaling.... Everything is time consuming, everything is going so slow and our stomach is getting hungrier~

When I saw the Neway advertisement board at Casa Square, I actually drive for nearly 1hour and 30 minutes already...(Bun, can send you back Ipoh already lo....) Thanks to all the help from the rain and the people who still wanna come out to shopping in a raining day.

Bun's friend Tah Wai actually live at Bandar Puteri... We went to his house once at January, but we didn't notice there's any Giant around there.... Haihz.... So decided to brave once more, straight drive to Bandrar Puteri and try our luck see whether Giant is around or not....

And Giant is just around the corner! Wow... means we're near.... There's 2 phrase of shoplots... which one? The one beside Giant or Opposite one? Hmm... We tried the beside one anyway, and found out there's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many steamboat restaurant... Wow... This must be a steamboat area.

And we found the Mizi steamboat at the opposite phrase of Giant!! See:

After park the car, we went inside. The design of the shop was nice~ Clean, tidy, kinda unique for a shabu shabu steamboat restaurant...




At here, everyone have their own bowl of hot soup.... So no more sharing saliva, especially those who dislike steamboat due to hygiene reason, can try shabu shabu.

Me and Bun ordered two sets, one is Beef set and another one is Seafood mix set... You can also choose your own soup taste. There's 4 choice: Kimchi, Chinese Herbal, Tom Yam and Ginseng. We choose Tom Yam... and another bowl of soup is original, no taste added.

Here, let the picture do some talking:

*This beef slice is the nicest beef I ever ate in my 21 years life... So juicy, so soft~*



*There's plenty of sauces, and the plate with tomotoes one is the Tom Yam soup paste, you gotta add it inside your clear soup so it becomes Tom Yam, totally like diy cooking own soup.*



*There's fishball, tofu, needle mushroom, and all kinds of vegetables in a set.*



*Kok Bun's seafood set even come with 2 scallops!! So nice~ YUMMY!!*

Both set's price is Rm20.90 each, and the Tom Yam paste is RM3,(Which I found not worth at all...)Green tea is Rm1 each for unlimited refill... Totally we spent Rm51.48 and we eat till so full!!! Kok Bun said this is the most comfortable steamboat he ever had, no sweaty sweaty or oily oily... Fresh air, nice surroundings... Worth to come for another few times. Haha!!

PS: Is there any near road I can take to reach Puchong faster???

Sunday, February 3, 2008

La Marche De L'Empereur

I saw the penguin poster quite a few years ago at the GSC Cinema MidValley International Screen advertisement board... But I didn't went to watch that movie... And I kinda make some vow inside my heart that someday I'm going to watch that movie in my lifetime, at least ONCE!

I was a huge penguin fan... I think penguin is the most adorable creatures made by God and they're so kind and loyal... I watched Happy Feet for about 5 times! I just couldn't resist the cuteness aura from those fluffy animals!

However, I manage to watch the movie I failed to last few days ago. The english name for this movie is March of The Emperor. And after watch this movie like documentary, I have alot of feelings...

I felt the suffer journey of a penguin, and their determination to survive under a very critical weather which can reach -62degrees, their love for their babies, their love for their spouse which is they're loyal to in their lifetime.... Even human being couldn't do these, a penguin manage to.

And besides this movie's penguin impact, I'm actually drown into FRENCH now... Due to the soundtrack singer and composer Emilie Simon have a nice, heavenly soft voice, I start to listen to french songs sung by her now...

Maybe you guys should have a look at the movie... It'll bring you some whole new life experience...
*The beautiful Emilie Simon*