Friday, October 23, 2009

Night

I have sooooo many thoughts going on inside my brain now that I can't actually make a good arrangement about what am I going to write down now, so bear with me if my phrases doesn't make any sense to you.


This is me.



Early, early in the morning, I was awaken by Bun because he was lying beside me, and I sense a bit of weirdness going on because he's like trying to calm down and pretend to fall asleep.



His tears were flowing down like pearls.



Although I'm still sleepy, but I couldn't hold on and asked him what happened. He didn't say anything and just try to hug me more tight than before.


I sensed something wrong in him. I asked him once again: What's going wrong?



He said he's touched by a real life story written in a forum by a girl herself.



Actually I found it kinda funny for this reason but still I wanna know what's the storyline and so I can know which part of the story makes him feel touched.



Oh my, the story is very COMPLICATED indeed! You may wanna read it yourself: CLICK HERE! (Chinese ONLY!)


After hearing (and read the whole story) the storyline, I really DO think that this is more to simple-minded instead of touching.


Somehow, the point of view of mine thinking this girl is simple-minded upset Bun and his attitude become serious when talk to me. This is what fume up the whole big fight thingy.



I am so pissed-off. I refuse to talk to him even for a word. I even refuse to eat the rice I think he purposely bought for me to make me happy in the afternoon.


I even ran out of house (not ran out actually, he knows this) and went to tea time with Kei just to avoid seeing him.


But he gave in. He can't stand the awkwardness and asked me to forgive him. And I did. This is how arguments end.



And I guess this is how people, a man and a woman, protect their marriage. One have to gave in, when another forgives and cheer the other one up.


But still, when darkness falls, time like this, of me being alone, I will think back all the things we have done.


And sometimes, I felt that he's not doing enough/ not treating me good enough.


Of course, I will ask myself: Am I asking too much from him? The answer is always yes.


I never wanna tell him how I wish he can treat me like this this this or I think you can do better by doing this this this or whatsoever because I don't wanna spoil his own ego. But sometimes I just can't take it that knowing he's not doing enough for me/ this family.



Doubting his efforts for this family also makes me question my life at the same time.



No one knows, but deep inside my heart, I always hope that I can achieve something. I want to achieve something. Something that will be mine, always, forever, until the day I die.


But no, I still don't know what I can do for myself and what I am able to achieve now, or the near future.


I felt that I am all tied up. Although I'm willing to be tied up and somehow feel a bit happy for it, but there's always space that loneliness conquers.


Loneliness... I feel lonely that no one in this world, for this moment, understands me.



I have so much to say, so much to tell, but yet, I can't tell anything whenever I'm facing people I love so much I scare I'll hurt them, or disappoint them.


To me, I feel that complaining sounds exactly like regretting, which I'm not.


I so wanna complain about myself, my husband, my son, my family, my house, my house chores, my things, my belongings, my style, my clothes, my shoes, my EVERYTHING!!!! But I just can't.


All I can do is keep all these shit to myself. I feel so damn bloat right now as if I will puke in no time. If only puke can make me feel better, but it won't.


Life, is unfair. Nothing is fair.


I have to accept what I refuse to accept. I have no choice but to accept. Life is unfair.


There's nothing I can do now to make myself feel better. I know. Only time will do the trick.


I wanna be alone, but not lonely. I wanna be happy, but not with price I have to pay with to become happy. I wanna be me, but not the me now.


I just don't know. I'm somehow lost again. In this world.


I lost my target of life, I lost my passion towards life and towards hope.


I felt that there is no hope for me to become me anymore. I am useless if I'm not me.


Hopeless, useless, and clueless about future. Me. Sighs.


The only thing I can do, and only I wanna do, is to gaze at your sweet sleeping face, and the feeling that you gave me, which is telling me "Thank you for letting me exist in this world and love me so much."


Yes, I love you. This is what I can do now, and will always do forever. I am glad that I didn't make the wrong decision and I can hold your hand and walk through life together, now, this moment.


And thank you, for giving me a reason to proof myself I'm still a worthy person to be in this world.


I shall tell myself that, no matter what sorrow I'm facing in the future, by just looking at you, I found myself again.


Good night sweet heart.


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A lil side note about the girl's story.

After reading the whole story, simple-minded is really the word I want to apply on her.

Yes, I know she's rebellious that time and I know I'm not that better than her and I'm not her anyone to tell her what is right what is wrong.

2 years passed and she's doing great now. Good for her.

But one thing for sure, all her tough image was an act. A shield she made up to protect herself so that she can hide the coward her behind the shield.

She's just a coward afterall. A simple-minded coward.

I really dislike how she wrote about how she so wanna run away from the clinic and how she wanna save her own child from the abortion. Honestly, bullshits!

All you think about is yourself! A better future, for yourself. Not the innocent child's.

Many claimed that she go for abortion because she can't raise the child, she scare the child come to this world and suffer, this and that, all are fucking lame excuses to make yourself feel better.

No money? Go earn. Scare child suffer? How about your mother love? You love will make the child become the most luckiest child on earth. And don't forget, you're never alone. There's so many funds and aids set up for single mother/ unfortunate family. And family, friends even strangers will help you.

There's sooooo many fucking ways to raise a child. Abortion is really something, a selfish person will do.

Before you start claiming that abortion is for the child's own good, question yourself properly first and admit to your own mistakes.

I am sick seeing/hearing all those cowards push all the responsibilities to their non-exist child just so they can feel better about themselves.

Fuck them! Just admit you don't want to burden yourself.

God will look at what you've done. You decided to put an end to an innocent, precious life because of the selfishness in you. I'm sure that karma is just around the corner.

It's always too late to cry for your own mistakes in the future. You totally deserve it.

Sometimes I feel fucking happy that those who went for abortion before can't have any children anymore because that's a PUNISHMENT for the selfish you!

Bear the responsibilities of what you have done. Don't take abortion as an eraser, trying to delete the mistakes and empty recycle bin.

Play hard? Live harder. Life is not as easy as one, two, three. You have to pay the price to live the life you want.

I am paying mine now, but I'm happy because I know, in the future, when I look back of what I've done, I will never feel tiny bits of regret about the great decision I've made in my whole life.

2 comments:

=::~+Reiko+~::= said...

i admit i'm selfish at times and i did something selfish too.

=::~+Reiko+~::= said...

Well kudos for you. You're brave enough to admit and maybe do something for it?
Anyway, just don't do something you think you might regret in the future.