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Friday, February 26, 2010

Faulty

I had two quite massive and serious argument/debate with my family members, in just 2 days. Gosh my heart and soul was so exhausted I actually need a proper rest and clear this thing out of my mind from blog it out. And yes, I don't care if 'you' read this or not because this is MY blog. 
(From this sentence, you know that this is going to be 'ALL WORDS NO PICS POST'... Come back soon for future post.)




Seriously, being a family for about 22 years++ means what? And to be frank, do you think you know the real me? My personality, my habits, my likes and dislikes, do you know about these?




Does elder generation means they're right all the time, and no matter what they say, younger generation have to follow and obey without questioning/telling/debate/argue with the facts they know? Is this really what you want from me? Is really 'older' means 'superior' and 'younger' means 'they're a bunch of naive thinking kids that won't learn from experience'?


No, I seriously think YOU GUYS ARE THE ONE THAT HAS MIND/THINKING MODULE PROBLEM.


I always feel grateful that I have a complete family even though I don't really get to talk to my dad because he's mostly drunk on the weekdays and my mum is always busy with finding more money through all her sales and stuffs. Yeah, we don't communicate much.


Communication failure, and they don't really show a good example to me, what am I suppose to do? Who is my role model of life? Who can I talk to about things that going inside my mind without judging me right or wrong? Where can I seek advices from which is not bias, conservative and full of own self thoughts? I always bear these questions with me in my life since I was small.


People say: How your kids behave are the EXACT REPLICA of what/how/who you are. BINGO!!! I guess that I'm really the daughter of my father and mother because I'm behaving exactly like how they are without myself noticing that I am behaving like them.


I refuse to be like them, I don't want to be like them. As I've said earlier, they're not really my role model of life, but my genes refuse to let me lie to myself, I am someone like them. This really, really saddens me a lot. I always thought that I am someone better.


How can you guys assume me that 'you are always like this' or 'you are always like that'? Do you really understand me enough to say that? Even me myself doesn't understand myself, who are you to judge me. and more so, whether I'm right or wrong?


We always saw the flaws in other people. We thought that they're flawed, but we didn't realise that ourselves are human being too. Not one human in this world is perfect/flawless, so do me and you. You really think that I will behave like that without anything trigger my emotion/anger? You really think that we can clap with only one side of hand? Think about it again.


I don't go angry/emotional without anything that triggers my inner side, have you question yourself on how/what words/attitude you're using when you talk to me? What saddens me? You only see that I'm the one that acting rage and raving up but you didn't see that who started it first. Is this my fault too, and I'm the one to be blame because someone triggers my emotion and I react?


Older really doesn't mean that you're more superior than me. We both are human, human make mistakes. Maybe you live a longer life and see more things/incidents than me but do all the things you know will help me make my way to live the life I wanted to live? Or you're helping me to live the life YOU WANTING ME to live?


I really appreciate all the help you have given me all the time, all these years. I'm really thankful that you did not just leave me when I need help. Really. But please don't come and claim all the credits in front of me and complaint you got nothing from helping me, you're disappointed or so or so because you know what? If you want to help me sincerely with all your heart, you don't go around and tell people 'Oh! I helped her and she just treat me like shit'. You don't know how hurt that is to me. I've been trying so hard to find ways to repay you and you have no idea what I've been through.


What do you expect from me really? I'll be thankful if you don't hurt me with all those words again. It really hurts me so bad I really felt that I owe you guys a lot. I felt that I'm not suppose to be in this family and sometimes I felt that I should just leave, walk away just like that. Now you know what saddens me and triggers all the emotion in me. I'm just a weak person, not as strong as you see me and I get hurt very, very often and easily.


If I were capable, I will not hesitate to give everything you're dreaming of to you. If I were rich, I will not be stingy and will spoil you with lots and lots of material things that I am affordable of. If I were...... The problem here is: I'm still not in track and finding the right path to live my very own life, how do I suppose to show my appreciation now? I will be so happy that all we're talking are about happy stuffs that happens in life, not complaining like 'it's been quite some time I haven't seen you I thought you were living in US or some other country' or waste both of our time, energy and lives in argument.


I have my own life, my own time, my own things to do and I will be very appreciate that you don't really interrupt my plans in life with your opinionated suggestions and go all rage if I don't really adapt what you're telling me. Please, I'm not you, and I'm not a kid anymore. I really do know what should I do, how can I do it and what will I achieve/get if I do this or that, you don't really have to guide me through everything and always think that I can't handle my life my own.


Each and everyone of us are here with a purpose. I am me, whether you like it or not. I didn't request to be born in this world, I don't have a choice to choose who are my family members and I definitely have my own opinion/plan/thinking module. Respect me as a person and I'll respect you. You trigger my emotion of course, unless I'm dead or something, if not I definitely will have reaction right?


Our relationship are not so fond since now and then, please don't worsen the situation with your 'superior' thinking/talking. I need a friend that walk beside me, together, in my life, not someone who leads and walks in front of me without listening to what I really wanted to say.